Experiments, IntrospectionsSHARI RUSSELLDecember 31, 2017autoimmune disease, fear, resolutions, new year, optic neuritisComment

New Year, New Me

Experiments, IntrospectionsSHARI RUSSELLDecember 31, 2017autoimmune disease, fear, resolutions, new year, optic neuritisComment

New year, new me? Not really. I’m not into resolutions. I’m more into self-reflection. I try to spend a couple of hours a month reflecting. Sometimes WAY more than a couple of hours if something is bothering me. Or if I just don’t know what’s causing feelings of angst or a little, niggling unhappiness.

I actually began my end of year reflections before thanksgiving! I like to get ahead ya know 😊 Plus, this was a more complicated bit of unhappiness I needed to work out. If you’ve read my story, you’ll know I’m a widow with several autoimmune diseases, but am doing pretty darn well despite that! Anyway, several years ago I developed optic neuritis due to my MS. Luckily, it didn’t cause much in the way of permanent damage to my sight. Unfortunately, it caused a couple of long term issues, one of them being problems with my eyes adjusting from light to dark and back. This causes problems with night driving. It has gotten much worse in the last couple of years. That severely limits my social life. Severely. Most of my friends live at least 20 miles away and work day time hours. Hence, they do most of their socializing in the evenings or 20 plus miles away on weekends (rarely ending before sundown). Sucks for me.

I’m an introvert. I don’t require a great deal of social interaction, but I do require SOME! So, this is a continuing problem I haven’t known what to do about. I’ve come to a few conclusions, but the biggest one is somewhere along the line I’ve turned into a woosie. I used to go places by myself. I’d check out new clubs, go to movies, try a new restaurant, all by myself. I never do that anymore! What the heck happened?! Ahhhhh, MS (multiple sclerosis) happened. Right around the time they FINALLY figured out what was wrong with me, my eyes went screwy, I developed permanent vertigo, random debilitating muscle weakness, and falling…….and apparently fear. I developed fear. Fear that one of my weird MS symptoms would strike me down when no one was around to help me. Fear.

I fell four times in the last year. None of them were serious. No broken bones or concussions. Only one of those times was someone with me. In fact, most of my falls happen at home or near home. So why the fear? It’s not fear of embarrassment. I’m the type that will just cuss, evaluate if anything is seriously hurt, and get up (probably still cussing under my breath), and shake it off. I don’t suffer from low self-esteem…….although, I’ve found since my diagnosis that people treat me differently if they know I have a disability. It’s always a conundrum whether to mention my disease or not. In social situations, I often opt to let them know. Why? Because of my vertigo. I stagger and weave. I look drunk when entirely sober. Not fair, I know. A drunk walk should be earned! Bahhahah! It does make me self-conscious though. I don’t particularly care what other people think, but when trying to make new friends, it’s an issue.

So, I’ve realized I’m a woosie with fear issues, and I need friends who live closer and can maybe do stuff during the day or drive. Huh. What to do, what to do? To make new friends, I need to leave my house. I’m pretty sure no one interesting is going to show up at my door and say, “Hey! Want to be my new friend? Let’s go see a movie!” Nope. That means, GASP, I’m going to have to dredge up the courage to leave my house….by myself……and go places where there are people! I’m sweating just thinking about it. Seriously, it’s ridiculous. I felt just the same when I went deep sea fishing and parasailing (I hate deep water). How did I turn into this person???

So maybe I will make a resolution after all; find my courage again! Start doing those things that scare me, which right now just means leaving the house, alone, and being friendly with people. I made a small step last month by taking an art class with all strangers (ok, so the teacher was an old classmate). I live within three blocks of four watering holes, so no excuse not to visit a few. I moved back to my hometown almost two years ago, and I haven’t even visited the library yet! There’s not a lot to do in my little town, but there ARE things to do! COURAGE will be my word for the coming year. Hopefully…..hopefully, the next year will bring many happy surprises. Happy New Year everyone!